Thursday, June 21, 2007

Ethical Question

If you had three necessary items that can't be split and can't be shared, to give to your five children, would you give it to three of them and risk the mental damage it would cause the other two or would you not give any of them anything to treat them fairly?

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Awaiting a Day

Happy birthday to me…

Seems that everything is better when it's not my birthday really. I've been thinking about it and I don't see the need to celebrate one's birthday. After all what am I celebrating? I'm celebrating something I had no hand in. I'm celebrating my parents' accomplishment of bringing me into this world. If there's anyone who should celebrate it should be parents. They should be proud of bringing me into this world. I will remain a bystander on my birthday, just as I was when I was being created, just as I was when I was being born. I think birthdays are to be celebrated by people other than me.

But the real reason I don't think I should be celebrating is that every year, during these days that commemorate my birthday, my life seems to be a constant and consistent turmoil. I write the same thoughts every year. I've kept a journal since 3 years back and I looked through the dates that are closest to my birthday and they've always had something somber or disrupting to say.

I'm not much for self pity, every year I find out that my family are those that are constant and are closest to giving me unconditional love. Every year I realize that friends, specially the closest ones are the ones you're closest to losing. Those other friends that are never too close and never too far, they remain, those who know you well are most likely going to flee. If they don't flee, then they don't know you well enough. The real secret, which I haven't really been able to learn that well is not to reveal everything about myself. I don't think it's a lesson that I will learn though, it will be something I have that always gets me close to people very quickly and kicks them out of my life even faster.

This year, like many others before it I find myself lacking those close friends that may be present at different parts of the year. It's not that I want someone to tell me happy birthday, but it's that during a birthday my thought drifts to what I have at this moment. I have very strained relationships with some of the people who were closest to me, and the other close friends are splattered across the globe.

I vary between extremes as a person, I can be a great friend and I can be a great enemy. I think I'm a worthy adversary to those who dislike me which is in itself and accomplishment and despite how well I can be an adversary, it's very difficult for me to be that uncompromising person to people who meant something to me in my life.

What I'm trying to say is that like all other birthdays, this one has some issues and I suspect next year will have similar issues and so on. Into the world I came screaming and every year I celebrate it by mentally screaming even more.

My memories of myself are pleasant ones, but whenever I check my journals I realize how disturbed my emotions were. Even the times when emotions would not be so turbulent, my birthday would occur during exams and it would stealthily pass me by just as others have.

I'll plagiarize an idea out of Insomniac and add to it a little. Since my birthday wasn't as pleasing as it ought to be, I will dub the next good day my birthday and celebrate it. I'm not going to ask for too much, just a good time with a good friend or a satisfying accomplishment or a new friend who can make me smile,or a friend who brings me an unexpected present, modest hopes, but they keep a man alive.

Double Standards

Which one of those two can come out justified?

Man : Those Chinese are bastards and deserve to die for what they've done to the country.
Woman : Anyone who says that a set of people are bastards and deserve to die is in fact a bastard who deserves to die.
Man : But you just said that some people are bastards and deserve to die.
Woman : Yes, only difference is that I'm right.

This is not some Oscar Wilde or Joseph Heller absurd conversation, this actually does happen.

Friday, June 01, 2007

The Void

Must be odd to have something that you need to tell a certain somebody, but they’re out of your life. You look at a piece of news and you feel the need to share it with that somebody who will react the same way you do, but they’re not around. You see a funny video at which you laugh hysterically but others laugh casually and you know that the only person will see what’s hysterical is not around and is not in your life anymore. You notice something that is so insignificant to others but to you and your friend it holds a great value and you can talk about it for hours, but you reach for your phone to tell them all about it and realize you can’t call that person anymore.

The things you appreciated together you now have to appreciate alone, the things you thought you’d do together you now have to do alone. It feels very strange to keep those things you wanted to share just for yourself. It feels like there’s something missing, a void that was once filled by a presence. I think it can also feel like a wound. When freshly cut there's nothing there, it's almost hallow, and by time where perfect flesh once was, a cut that’s irregularly filled. After a while flesh fills that void, but it’s never the same kind of flesh that was there before. It’s always a different flesh and it stands out, but it does the job. Whether time will completely erase that wound or not depends on how big the void was and how well your body adapts.

So when you see the things of a sharable nature, the first time you forget and you think how great it would be if you share it. The next time it takes you less time to realize that you can’t share it, the next time you get sadder and sadder until you have to make a choice. Do I let all of this go or do I keep it just for me?