Thursday, March 23, 2006

Last night as I went to sleep, I experienced something that terrified
me. I found my soul being quickly pulled away from my body, traveling
with such speed that in an instant I found myself in a completely
different world. It's hard to explain how I felt, but I knew I was not
in a dream, and I knew I was not awake. I just found myself in a
different world conscious of myself in a completely different manner.

I had a strong feeling that this was death, for I felt absolutely no
connection to my body. None of the slightest physical signs that
accompanied me in my usual dreams were present, none of those feelings
of comfort or discomfort that made their way from my body to my dream. I
was so scared and so alone and I was in a state of shock. I was shocked
to be facing the end without warning, shocked because, looking back,
this was all my life had been.. nothing. As I looked back upon it there
was nothing worth remembering and now it was over, I've had my chance.

It was as if I was in a stateless realm, floating as if to determine
where I would go next. It terrified me to be so alone, leaving the world
I know and being inside a world I did not know of. I knew nothing about
this world except how unknown it was to me, and how it scared me while I
was living.

Then I found myself being asked to remember the good or bad I have done,
and perhaps even determine for myself whether I deserved to go to a
better place. Being a believer, I felt that this was the equivalent
deciding to go to heaven or hell.

I looked back at my life and I saw nothing that would make me worthy of
a better place. I had done nothing of value and my short days had been
wasted. Death was so near all along, constantly presenting an instant,
long distant ticket, whose destination took no time to reach.

I got more scared and I was filled with despair, to look my own fate in
the eye was more than I could bear. I had to get back to the world I
knew and do something good. I had to make my way back. I tried to wake
up, utterly fearful that when I do, I would find myself dead. Still I
tried, because I needed another chance. I had no choice but to try, but
deep inside I was so fearful, because I would rather have remained
there, with the slightest chance that this really was a dream, than go
back and realize for certain that this was the end. With fear I tried,
and I succeeded. I felt my soul rushing back to my body. As I opened my
eyes I was thankful for being alive yet concerned at how empty my life
really is.

I was so determined when I woke up to do something with my life,
something with that very little time that constitutes my life, something
that can earn me the right to remember it as I'm being asked to look
back at my life for something that's worth anything.

But here I am today, almost forgetting this journey, nothing has changed
and life deludes me into thinking I have much more time to live. I
don't. Even though I woke up, the next time I might not.

Will E.

4th October 2005

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The sound of the fire alarm is more disturbing than it usually is at this ungodly hour. At 4am in the morning I hear the hurtful sound, and though I know it’s not the real deal, I’m greatly disturbed. Maybe not by the sound itself, albeit very disturbing, but by the culmination of noise and darkness amidst total silence. I’m terror stricken by thoughts that have passed through my head in the morning and in the afternoon and at night just before going to bed, but at this hour, they have a deadly and different flavor. They visit me with such intensity and though they’re the same thoughts, the feelings that accompany them are different. Climbing out of bed, I’m more aware of how alone I am, how danger surrounds me as I fight this world on my own. The deadly pestilence of the night reminds me of the harshness of the world. I fear because I’m alone, and at 4 am, there’s more to fear.

Why do these thoughts that visit me impact me so? Have I not thought them a million times over and faced them fearlessly? I’m totally caught off guard, from the safety, warmth and the comfort of sleep to the danger and discomfort of walking out of a building to find sub zero temperatures attacking me. I feel so vulnerable and meek and small in a big fat world.

It worsens when I get up, knowing what I have to do, and remembering all the times I’ve been out there before. I look for things around to keep me warm, but I know how it’ll feel, I know that the cold will be accentuated by the coldness I feel from sleepiness. Lazily I walk alone, towards the exterior of my building, being forced to leave my comfort, reminds me of life. The feeling of the cold outside with many sleepy heads surrounding me depresses me. The vision of snow all over in the dark night sinks me down.

It’s a scary depressing terror that rings me out of my bed at 4 am, it feels like I’ve traveled though. It feels that I’m somewhere else, and sometimes the feelings seem more real than they are when I’m wide awake during the day, and sometimes the feelings seem like a dream, a weary dream. Will I feel so alone when I go to the final destination.. this is the 4 am terror that touches me deeply..

Saturday, March 18, 2006

4 am terrors. They're the same thoughts having a different feel.