Friday, September 28, 2007

Shallow Gal

I find difficulty relating anecdotes which don't have any added value to them. I can only be sarcastic and angry and I have no sense of humor that satisfies me, generally because I find others' humor not so satisfying either. The things that go through my head are not as trivial as thinking how absurd women look in nineties tights, I mean they do go through my head but I don't feel the need to share it with the world. I would have loved to be funny, but somehow the way my mind operates does not allow me to reproduce the humor going through my system.

In any case, it goes to show that I’m one of these people who think about life, abstract values, and emotions and like to analyze things to get a better understanding of life and so on and so on and the bla bla bla that come along with all that. This may seem a bit of work for others who have got life figured out easily without need for this mumbo jumbo, but it doesn’t work for me. I like to explore the gloomy side and the alternate side of life.

I think it would be a blessing to be what they call ‘shallow’, which is taking things at face value rather than trying desperately to dig down to the mantel and core. It would be an easy life to think I got myself figured out and others around me figured out too, but I’m just not built that way. ‘Shallow Gal’ said I have issues and that I’m disturbed or something of that nature and I actually cracked up.. I can’t reproduce the humor of why I laughed so hard, but perhaps because I found Shallow Gal too shallow and because she just doesn’t know much about life, she thinks anyone who gives things a second thought must be disturbed.

Well after I thought of ways to tear down Shallow Gal on account of her superficiality and her naïve yet satisfactory understanding of the world (her satisfaction that is), I decided that maybe I’m only making myself feel better thinking that I’m somehow better just because I care about the dark and gloomy side of the world. Maybe I’m just incapable of being what they call shallow and my consolation for certain miseries I encounter on account of that is that I think of others as wanting or ‘shallow’. I mean if you can get by and be happy without going through the dark thoughts I go through, then I think you should be commended rather than mocked.

What do I know, I might be disturbed indeed, but at the rate the world is treating everyone, I’m guessing I’m not alone out there. Many may have no clue what I’m going on about, but some others may know that this has become our lives, to think of something further and look for something deeper.

This is who I am, after a party, I can’t just write about the scandals that happened and who was too drunk to do what and other bizarre incidents which I find interesting by the way. I would write about solitude, about that most lonely feeling you can get while you’re in a crowd. I would write about how you’re left with yourself even though you mingle. I would write about how I’m so conscious of myself when I’m drunk and realize I’ve been so isolated from the crowd around because I’m trapped in a shell called me. That’s what I would write, but I suppose others would write about a man drooling over them or an insanely funny drunk conversation.

I don’t think it has anything to do with being better, it’s just how people are built... I’d rather live miserably in what I perceive is the truth, than live happily in a lie... That about sums up my build. I'm not saying that others are only happy because they're living in a lie, I'm just saying that I personally find many truths a cause of some sort of misery and I'd rather continue digging them up than discarding them along with their misery.

I think if I were 'shallow' I would find such things utterly boring and if I were as they say ‘deep’ I would find this utterly useless because people want to search for themselves perhaps, but maybe for those few who have similar thoughts it might be interesting since they feel understood.

I write about what it feels like to be forgotten as a person and unappreciated, but why should popular people think of these things? I think about outcasts and people who are not socially capable of making good friends. I think about people who conform to society so much that they forget to be themselves and lose any natural chance they had to be special. I think of people fighting inner battles with themselves to change something that only sheer will can change. I think about how to take the fall in the way that best makes you strong. I think about how certain ideas that are generally accepted can be wrong. I think about what I can do to correct whatever misguided perceptions I may have.

Yes… all in all I think I’m just disturbed rather than dark or deep or any of that, I’ve seen some of life’s darker side and have no choice but to continue dealing with it. Would I have been less disturbed if my life was all great and perky? I don’t know. Would I have been Shallow Gal if things were different or is it just the way people are built? I don’t know.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

We're Fine

She looked at her husband lying on his bed barely able to move after five operations and four days in a coma. He was barely able to move but was aware of everything that was important to him. He was happy to see his wife but he was concerned about his son Hussam who had been in the accident with him. She greeted him with joy in her heart and told him how glad she was that he's doing well. He moved his lips to say Hussam. No sound came out but his lips said it.

His wife looked at him and said, "We're all fine and we're waiting for you to get well."

Again with his lips he asked, "Hussam" and though he said it with no sound it was very audible to her. She replied, "He's fine, he's just a bit shook up from the accident," she put on a smile and went on, "he's just waiting for you to get a bit better and it'll take him some time to get better himself." Her mouth could not hold the smile anymore, "we're all fine," she said, "we're all fine."

She became thoughtful for a moment and stood up and repeated, "we're all fine." She paced about the room still thoughtful and saying as if to herself, "we're all fine," then she looked at him and said, "your daughter gave birth to a boy." She watched his reaction and then said, "we called him Hussam, like his uncle." Her eyes gave her away and she paused and calmly said, "Hussam died." Her broken spirit oozed out of her whole body. "Hussam's died, Hussam died." She kept repeating it and broke into tears as she said it. He stared into her eyes as she looked back at him, his body unable to move. She looked at him with so much love; "Our son died… Our son died."

His face didn't move and tears slowly started dripping from his wide open eyes and slowly covered his sad, sad face. His face muscles hadn't twitched but his face was soaked with sadness nonetheless. She flung herself into his arms while she said, "our son died," and theirs was a long warm but sad and bitter embrace.

There are things between those that are married that are born with them that create a sense of attachment they never thought possible. How do they cope with such a loss, the only way is through each other, and oddly enough they're the source of that loss.

"Our son died." These words were powerful enough to sculpt Everest. That Hussam died was hard enough to hear but to see his wife who had shared with him his entire life share that insurmountable loss was more than he could ever bear. Yet those same words, "Our son died," coming from his wife contained his salvation too; those same words, "Our son"; "Our" was the only thing that could make him imagine that by some miracle he could bear it, because he wasn't going to do it alone.

Sausan Badr has proved to be such a superb actress. This is a scene out of the ramadan series 'Eldaly' where Sausan Badr delivers a very powerful and elegant performance. I haven't been a great fan of Nour Elsherif however in this scene he's done a fabulous job, he expresses himself perfectly with his eyes. It was such a touching scene and I have no idea why I wrote what I wrote except that it moved me. It adds nothing and it's better to be seen with Sausan's tone and expressions. Her performance is very sincere and heartfelt and I could really feel her broken spirit.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Too Many Regrets

From the movie Human Trafficing

She: Thank you sir, I promise you won't regret this.

He: I have many regrets, don't promise me this.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

The Dangerous World

The modern world has forgotten what the world is really like. The world isn't a safe place to be and it never was. The world has always been dangerous, chaotic, unpredictable and dismal. When those of the first or second world countries visit those from a third world country they are shocked and sometimes even appalled by what they see. They see poverty, and with poverty a very low standard of living, and with that they witness survival, and with survival you can always tell it's a jungle and with a jungle there's always danger. They see a family of three or four on a motorbike and might even condemn the danger of this situation. The father doesn't have many alternatives and risks his family's life to survive. The world has always been this dangerous from the times of the jungle. We try to shield loved ones from the horrors and dangers of this world but we cannot protect them from the world.

They see a government that has deprived its people of many of their basic rights, but it's still a jungle where the lion as the king of the jungle retains his right to devour a weaker victim if he so chooses. Yet lions kill when they want to fulfill their appetite for food rather than their appetite for power. How can governments do that to people they might ask, or how do people let them get away with it, but the means to fight back themselves have been taken away a long time ago and the new generation is left without even the memory of what could be done to fight back. What they don't realize is that we've become toothless beasts, full of energy but without anything to bite into.

The world was harsh, and is so even now. It's harsh for animals and harsh for children. People from first world countries may come into a country much like this one and wonder why animals are being treated with cruelty. The fact is that children are treated with the same kind of cruelty in this country. People are treated with the same cruelty. Children have to be independent just like they were in the old days. They walk the streets and count on themselves while their parents either work themselves to death or give up hope of living a decent life. When kids walk alone down streets evading cars and crossing the road it's considered crazy, where are their parents, how can they leave children unobserved? Yet the world is a dangerous place and third world countries are not blessed with a social system that safeguards people.

Yet even with an advanced social system like that we see in first world countries the world remains dangerous. The danger takes on different forms but the world remains constant and consistent in its danger. Instead of poverty there's crime, and instead of children being unsafe on the streets, they're unsafe in schools where shootings have become close to a regular activity.

The thing is that the world with its naked face is very scary and ugly. Society, government and family try to cover it up as much as possible and sometimes that love and protection from our families and friends makes the world less scary and less ugly due to the presence of true virtue. But nevertheless, the world remains scary. We can sometimes live in denial but that will make it all the more shocking when the world shows its true face. We have to realize that there are situations where we just aren't protected by anyone.

The man on his motorbike with his family doesn't need a defense. He's a survivor and no matter how advanced some of us have become, there remains a few primates that are present to serve the community.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

What Moves You

What is it that moves you? Money, Power, Mercy, Love, Kindness, Friendship... What is it that is left after you've had all your success? Everyone has an answer I'm sure, but in my own opinion some are right answers and some are answers to be re-assesed.. I was just thinking if you told a greedy person that all that he wants in the world is his, what more would be his purpose? I'm just thinking out loud; the luxury of having thinking time.

5 Years ago I was reading about how Socrates was arrested and condemned to death, he was offered a chance to escape, but he didn't. He believed in the system that condemned him to death unjustly, and that's why he didn't run. I thought him very stupid not to save his skin, but later on after thinking about it, I realized he was lucky to know exactly what he would die for. For one to be worth something, he has to care enough about something to die for.

So what is it that moves you? What would you die for? That's a question I asked myself and I ask you, because only by answering this will we know what is truly important.