Another New Year - All of this is Real

I’ve long been accustomed to writing grim posts on special occasions even from before our special occasions turned grim by nature.  Now all we have are the grim occasions to commemorate rather than celebrate, the death of our fallen heroes or their birthdays. In the past two years, life was on fast forward. Each day brought new calamities and once in a while there were small victories.

Anyway, this post is about the New Year. I’ve long celebrated it with caution, and never more so than this year. My thoughts travel to many different places in the past and in the future. They’re both part of one another and this day does not separate them. This is just an arbitrary point in time to look back at the past and look forward to the future as you ride that wave that turns one into the other.

I have nothing more to say about New Year and its resolutions than I’ve said in the past. I’ve made the ultimate new year’s resolution that everyone does and no one ever keeps. I find that the one thing worth looking into is the past, not to weep over it but to learn from it. Maybe by looking honestly into it, I can help with what’s to come more than all the haughty resolutions few people tend to keep.

The sad things is that the new year caught me at a time when I’m unable to make a formidable assessment.  Am I a better person for all that I’ve seen and all that I’ve stood for? I don’t know. I’m enough of a realist to entertain the notion that perhaps all that has happened has only worn me down. I’m not yet bouncing back and I don’t know anymore if all that has happened will allow me to.

I’ve stared injustice in the face. That’s my obsession now, injustice. I don’t want to see it, but it follows me everywhere. The biggest problem is that it’s systematic. It’s not just isolated cases. I’m living in a country where avoiding it is a fluke. The system is set up so that injustice prevails. That is what’s wearing me down.

I have become a lot more emotional. I’m not one who has much empathises much. In fact, someone once jokingly said I must have ‘blunted affect’. Yet my tears have become closer to my eyes than before. It’s not a movie we’re watching with actors playing heroes, it’s the real deal. It’s the young people brave enough to believe in ideals we’ve encountered in books or movies or deep within ourselves that move me. It’s not a video game and there aren’t always cameras rolling, but I’ve seen people armed with nothing but their ideals and the occasional rock stand up to guns and foreign funded weaponry. I’ve seen faith in freedom fuelling the bodies of young and old through long hard days where hope is elusive. I’ve heard the chants and the flags waving tirelessly in the face of hard hearted criminals that betray their sworn duties.

These are the things that make me cry. All of this is real. This is what they’ve tried to capture in books and films, but we’ve captured it in reality.

Has all this made me a better person? Perhaps not, perhaps it made me a weaker person. I’ve never believed that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, maybe it just makes you weaker and wears you down.

I’m not the same person I used to be. I’m a little more irritable, sensitive, argumentative and impatient. I haven’t been able to deal well with my rejections and find my peace because of all that has been happening around me. I long for moments of peace when I can find my old serene self that took me through the many hardships I faced. I feel there’s someone buried deep inside with the power to turn all the bad into good, but I’m gasping for air and cannot find that shore on which to rest and recover before I continue swimming.

I don’t know if this is something that will last, I have this faith within me that that buried person will re-emerge from the depths and make sense of all of this. This is not a book I’m reading, this is life and this is real, maybe that’s why it’s difficult to know what I’ll do with all of this, because it’s so raw. No one transformed it into words, no one transformed it into music, no one transformed it into pictures.

These genuine times are more confusing than what we’re told to believe and see. The evil as real as the good. That confrontation with both is taking its toll on me. This is real life, no guarantee that good will prevail over evil. One thing in the fantasy resembles reality though, good is beautiful and evil is ugly. They never capture it well though, the beauty of good people, with all their flaws and imperfections, trying to do right by themselves. And the ugliness of evil people, with their insistence on squandering all their chances, and truly hurting millions around them selfishly.

The goodness seeps inside your bones and moves you to tears. The ugliness clouds your days and enrages you enough to reconsider everything you’ve been told.

The Ultimate New Year’s Resolution

I’m going to quit smoking and start taking care of my health. I’ll be easy on the fast food, and eat more salad and fruit. I’ll stop lying and be more honest. I’ll stop cussing and be more eloquent. I’ll try and exercise more, I’ll go to the gym three times a week, I’ll try and work out no matter how busy I get. I won’t let work stress me out and I’ll always make sure to have some more me time. If I travel too much I’ll try to cut down, if I travel too little, I’ll arrange for more trips to see the world. If I work too much I’ll try to cut down and focus on the things that count, if I work too little I’ll stop being a lazy bum and work hard.

I’ll try and put goals before me that I can achieve, I’ll work hard towards all goals I aim to achieve. I’ll get closer to God and pray more often, I’ll stop believing in myth and dogma and be true to myself and be more open about my atheism. I’ll be slow to anger and lose my temper because I lose so much, I’ll learn how to express my anger rather than keeping it bottled up because I end up losing a lot when I keep everything in. I’ll tell people I love that I love them more often, I’ll stop being mushy and telling people that I love them so much.

I’ll spend more time on making music and take it seriously. I’ll finish a book and publish it. I’ll read more and become more informed. I’ll read about human rights and politics and start to care about global problems. I’ll give more to charity. I’ll be the loving son or daughter or husband or wife that people expect me to be. I’ll buy that SLR camera I wanted to buy for so long because I love photography. I’ll cut down on cola and soft drinks. I’ll stop doing the wild things I always do and settle down. I’ve been afraid to live for so long and I’ll start trying out new things that I’ve never tried before.

I’ll find a partner that I feel happy with, I’ll end the abusive relationship that I’m in, I’ll try and work things out with my partner because I’ve screwed up big time recently. I’ll watch all the good movies I’ve been meaning to watch, I’ll listen to all the good music I’ve been meaning to listen to. I’ll be better off. I’ll try my best at whatever I attempt. I will stop having a negative attitude and will start loving myself. I’ll quit wearing those pink colored shades that make everything seem so fantastic.

I’ll write more and talk less. I’ll think before I act. I’ll talk more when I feel misunderstood. I’ll find a way to communicate to others. I’ll make my life better. I’ll talk less on the phone, I’ll print less paper, litter less, walk more and use the car less. I’ll start to care about the things worth caring for, and fighting the fights worth fighting.

I’ll learn to play an instrument. I’ll learn a new language. I’ll visit an exotic place. I’ll finally learn to swim. I’ll be more patient with things I want, I’ll be less hesitant more assertive. I’ll make myself happy, I’ll make others happy. I’ll be more tolerant, I’ll nag less. I’ll help others some more. I’ll learn to like people more, I’ll stop being a push over. I'll stop all my annoying habits and try and look for fabulous traits. I’ll try and talk some more to people, I’ll try to experience something new. I’ll try new foods and cuisines. I’ll try new drinks. I’ll quit drinking. I’ll try magic mushrooms, I’ll quit hash, drugs and chemicals. I’ll put away all my meaningless fears, I won’t fall into depression. I won’t lose hope and I’ll be more courageous. I’ll love more, hate less. I’ll forgive more. I’ll learn more things. I’ll stop and smell the roses. I’ll be a good friend.

In short I’ll get rid of all the shit, start doing all the good.

I’m so glad the new year’s here so that I get a chance to make this resolution. I couldn’t have done it on any other day!

New Year's Pet

People treat the new year like it's a new president. It's as if the old president has stepped down and gave way to a new one that will fix everything. The first of January is just like any other day you live, you're not suddenly one year older, it's not suddenly the end of a year, it's just another day. Time isn't even aware that we've divided it into years.

It's as if the new year will wipe a slate clean, as if it will erase the sad part of the past. If only it were a new birth, that would make sense, but nothing is born. If you want the new year to be better, work each day to make yourself better. The year has no say in this, events don't wait for a year so that they happen. A good event doesn't wait for a good year to happen and a bad event doesn't wait for a bad year. The energies of the world are agnostic of new year's day.

There's so much pressure to celebrate a new year, or to become a new person and make resolutions. These pressures are as short lived as the day itself, midway through the month of Jan all is forgotten and you're back to living again. All those resolutions of being a better person, speaking wisely, gossiping less, working out more, getting angered less and being more dedicated to what you're doing will disappear, just like they've disappeared last year. Not many people can remember their last year's resolution for a very simple reason, they're not resolute.

The fact is that if people want to be something, they don't forget all the year and decide it on new year's. If they really wanted to do something they'd be working at it all year round. I do admit that there's something appealing about a new year and a fresh start, perhaps wanting to wipe a slate clean, forgetting all the bad history with a friend or lover, forgetting all the harm you've done others or the harm that's been done to you. But all this is not about the new year, it's about the fresh start.

Who changes overnight? Who decides to be something and becomes it overnight? It's a myth, it's the illusion that people can change at will and dramatically. There's no such thing as a new year, but there's a new day, and if we can treat each day like we treat the new year we'll be better off. We can celebrate a new day in our own way, we can make resolutions, we can evaluate what's really important. But what am I saying... I'll have none of that ... all these things we delude ourselves into thinking. Change happens when we decide to be resolute every day in our lives, not just special occasions. No one really has the energy to do that every day but I suppose it's better to be so on more days than not.

I don't know how people expect the year to have been good if they've done nothing about it and they don't intend to do anything about it. The government will still be corrupt at the end of 2008, people are still going to be cruel, and we're still going to do the things we always do... and at the end of next year we'll make new resolutions and we'll feel optimistic again like some beast has gone and been replaced by a pet. But our pet is turned into a beast each year.

Resolution

My new year's resolution is to finally fulfill a new year's resolution and that's why I decided not to have one.