Thursday, June 14, 2007

Awaiting a Day

Happy birthday to me…

Seems that everything is better when it's not my birthday really. I've been thinking about it and I don't see the need to celebrate one's birthday. After all what am I celebrating? I'm celebrating something I had no hand in. I'm celebrating my parents' accomplishment of bringing me into this world. If there's anyone who should celebrate it should be parents. They should be proud of bringing me into this world. I will remain a bystander on my birthday, just as I was when I was being created, just as I was when I was being born. I think birthdays are to be celebrated by people other than me.

But the real reason I don't think I should be celebrating is that every year, during these days that commemorate my birthday, my life seems to be a constant and consistent turmoil. I write the same thoughts every year. I've kept a journal since 3 years back and I looked through the dates that are closest to my birthday and they've always had something somber or disrupting to say.

I'm not much for self pity, every year I find out that my family are those that are constant and are closest to giving me unconditional love. Every year I realize that friends, specially the closest ones are the ones you're closest to losing. Those other friends that are never too close and never too far, they remain, those who know you well are most likely going to flee. If they don't flee, then they don't know you well enough. The real secret, which I haven't really been able to learn that well is not to reveal everything about myself. I don't think it's a lesson that I will learn though, it will be something I have that always gets me close to people very quickly and kicks them out of my life even faster.

This year, like many others before it I find myself lacking those close friends that may be present at different parts of the year. It's not that I want someone to tell me happy birthday, but it's that during a birthday my thought drifts to what I have at this moment. I have very strained relationships with some of the people who were closest to me, and the other close friends are splattered across the globe.

I vary between extremes as a person, I can be a great friend and I can be a great enemy. I think I'm a worthy adversary to those who dislike me which is in itself and accomplishment and despite how well I can be an adversary, it's very difficult for me to be that uncompromising person to people who meant something to me in my life.

What I'm trying to say is that like all other birthdays, this one has some issues and I suspect next year will have similar issues and so on. Into the world I came screaming and every year I celebrate it by mentally screaming even more.

My memories of myself are pleasant ones, but whenever I check my journals I realize how disturbed my emotions were. Even the times when emotions would not be so turbulent, my birthday would occur during exams and it would stealthily pass me by just as others have.

I'll plagiarize an idea out of Insomniac and add to it a little. Since my birthday wasn't as pleasing as it ought to be, I will dub the next good day my birthday and celebrate it. I'm not going to ask for too much, just a good time with a good friend or a satisfying accomplishment or a new friend who can make me smile,or a friend who brings me an unexpected present, modest hopes, but they keep a man alive.


N said...

some people need to be TOLD it's your birthday!

happy belated birthday love :)

Call me back!

Carmen said...

Dude, no one's life is in more turmoil than mine yet I'm always looking forward to my birthday! I don't even have that unconditional family love!!

My birthdays are always shit. Shit, shit, shit. But I force good things from them and still look forward to them because I know that I'm going to actively make something good happen. When I turned 30, for example, I took myself to a last-minute trip to Paris. I would've never been able to do that (go on a trip by my lonesome self) if it weren't for my birthday.

How 'bout you do this: make your real birthday YOUR day where you do something unexpected or crazy. Have another day be your unbirthday (like in "Alice in Wonderland") where you relish in people celebrating you.


Wael Eskandar said...

Thanks N.

Carmen, I don't mean to imply that my life is in more turmoil than yours. I recognize the difference, yours is in constant turmoil while mine seems to be so only around my birthday :p

Well, I suppose I already had my unbirthday, and now I'll look for something crazy to do. Come to think of it, I just came back from France, I can very well consider that whole trip my birthday.. thanks Carmen..

LouLou said...

Happy birthday from me too.:)

Don't read so much into your birthday. It's just one day a year where people who are glad you're around get to show you that and you get to to demand it of them and feel injured if they don't.:)

Wael Eskandar said...

Thanks so much loulou, and a very practical definition of what a birthday I might add :)

Anonymous said...

"What I'm trying to say is that like all other birthdays, this one has some issues and I suspect next year will have similar issues and so on. Into the world I came screaming and every year I celebrate it by mentally screaming even more."

amen to that... well, u know what, since my bd i've been waiting for a good day like u described and i can say i've had more than just one, yet i can't really call any of them my bd, i want more.. what can i say, i am high maintenance :)

happy birthday again :))