Thursday, March 23, 2006

Last night as I went to sleep, I experienced something that terrified
me. I found my soul being quickly pulled away from my body, traveling
with such speed that in an instant I found myself in a completely
different world. It's hard to explain how I felt, but I knew I was not
in a dream, and I knew I was not awake. I just found myself in a
different world conscious of myself in a completely different manner.

I had a strong feeling that this was death, for I felt absolutely no
connection to my body. None of the slightest physical signs that
accompanied me in my usual dreams were present, none of those feelings
of comfort or discomfort that made their way from my body to my dream. I
was so scared and so alone and I was in a state of shock. I was shocked
to be facing the end without warning, shocked because, looking back,
this was all my life had been.. nothing. As I looked back upon it there
was nothing worth remembering and now it was over, I've had my chance.

It was as if I was in a stateless realm, floating as if to determine
where I would go next. It terrified me to be so alone, leaving the world
I know and being inside a world I did not know of. I knew nothing about
this world except how unknown it was to me, and how it scared me while I
was living.

Then I found myself being asked to remember the good or bad I have done,
and perhaps even determine for myself whether I deserved to go to a
better place. Being a believer, I felt that this was the equivalent
deciding to go to heaven or hell.

I looked back at my life and I saw nothing that would make me worthy of
a better place. I had done nothing of value and my short days had been
wasted. Death was so near all along, constantly presenting an instant,
long distant ticket, whose destination took no time to reach.

I got more scared and I was filled with despair, to look my own fate in
the eye was more than I could bear. I had to get back to the world I
knew and do something good. I had to make my way back. I tried to wake
up, utterly fearful that when I do, I would find myself dead. Still I
tried, because I needed another chance. I had no choice but to try, but
deep inside I was so fearful, because I would rather have remained
there, with the slightest chance that this really was a dream, than go
back and realize for certain that this was the end. With fear I tried,
and I succeeded. I felt my soul rushing back to my body. As I opened my
eyes I was thankful for being alive yet concerned at how empty my life
really is.

I was so determined when I woke up to do something with my life,
something with that very little time that constitutes my life, something
that can earn me the right to remember it as I'm being asked to look
back at my life for something that's worth anything.

But here I am today, almost forgetting this journey, nothing has changed
and life deludes me into thinking I have much more time to live. I
don't. Even though I woke up, the next time I might not.

Will E.

4th October 2005

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