Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The sound of the fire alarm is more disturbing than it usually is at this ungodly hour. At 4am in the morning I hear the hurtful sound, and though I know it’s not the real deal, I’m greatly disturbed. Maybe not by the sound itself, albeit very disturbing, but by the culmination of noise and darkness amidst total silence. I’m terror stricken by thoughts that have passed through my head in the morning and in the afternoon and at night just before going to bed, but at this hour, they have a deadly and different flavor. They visit me with such intensity and though they’re the same thoughts, the feelings that accompany them are different. Climbing out of bed, I’m more aware of how alone I am, how danger surrounds me as I fight this world on my own. The deadly pestilence of the night reminds me of the harshness of the world. I fear because I’m alone, and at 4 am, there’s more to fear.

Why do these thoughts that visit me impact me so? Have I not thought them a million times over and faced them fearlessly? I’m totally caught off guard, from the safety, warmth and the comfort of sleep to the danger and discomfort of walking out of a building to find sub zero temperatures attacking me. I feel so vulnerable and meek and small in a big fat world.

It worsens when I get up, knowing what I have to do, and remembering all the times I’ve been out there before. I look for things around to keep me warm, but I know how it’ll feel, I know that the cold will be accentuated by the coldness I feel from sleepiness. Lazily I walk alone, towards the exterior of my building, being forced to leave my comfort, reminds me of life. The feeling of the cold outside with many sleepy heads surrounding me depresses me. The vision of snow all over in the dark night sinks me down.

It’s a scary depressing terror that rings me out of my bed at 4 am, it feels like I’ve traveled though. It feels that I’m somewhere else, and sometimes the feelings seem more real than they are when I’m wide awake during the day, and sometimes the feelings seem like a dream, a weary dream. Will I feel so alone when I go to the final destination.. this is the 4 am terror that touches me deeply..

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