Thursday, April 12, 2007

A Bullet to the Head

Driving down the street tonight, I heard a loud sound and then, just as they always do, my thoughts drifted to an absolutely absurd thought. I thought what if that sound was a bullet, I knew it wasn’t a bullet really because it sounded nothing like a bullet, but what if there was a bullet and that I had been shot.

Well, since my mind never stops at just that, I wondered, what if this bullet came through my windshield and through my head. The thought was scary at first but then for a while it seemed not to be. For I would not feel any pain and my life would be over anyway in a single instant. There would be no shock, no pain, no need to worry about it and it no longer seemed to be a scary thought.

But something about how my mind works makes me imagine thoughts in a frighteningly accurate manner. They become so terrifying because of how real they get and the truth is, that this thought is terrifying through the lens of reality.

The reality that strikes me is what would I feel next. Would I be dead and not know it and roam the land of the dead? Or would I be instantly transported to that other world if spirit? Or would I just cease to exit completely and all that I am, completely obliterated from the face of the earth. All these thoughts, all my feelings, all my life… suddenly gone. What is to become of me in an instant? An instant I cannot foresee; an instant that happens mid thought, while I’m thinking of something utterly silly or genuinely profound; a thief of an instant that sneaks up on you and terminates your existence.

And if I am to go to some other place of spirits, will I know what has happened to me? Will I know that my life has ended or will I be confused as to how I arrived where I did. Will it be light or darkness, will I remember who I am?

How would it feel to just teleport to somewhere so unknown, will I be lonely and scared? Will I be able to feel something?

It scares me a little not knowing what will become with my consciousness, with my thought. What will I be thinking of before that thief of an instance.

That point of no return will not scare me with any of its pain but it scares me with the uncertainty of what’s in store for me beyond.

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