Friday, February 29, 2008

Enraged Beyond Words

I'm enraged beyond words. The farthest reach of my words cannot explain how angry I am. I cannot type with enough vigour to reflect how fuming I am right now. If only the harder I struck the keyboard the deeper the characters are imprinted.

I'm so angry I feel I'm going to foam at the mouth. I'm so angry I feel like a damn wounded beast that is about to die and its anger at its hurt is killing it from within. My stomach feels like a steam engine's burner from all the heat and coal it contains inside.

I'm too angry to talk about why.. I'm too angry to describe how.. I'm too angry to think of why I'm angry.. I know I'm angry at situations and I know I'm angry at myself. This post of mine is raw and unedited as is this rage it describes. This rage is a face with a growling expression and a jaw with gnashing teeth.

I can't stand myself, I can't stand anyone around me, I can't stand anything I need to do, I want to disappear I want to self ignite and I want to vapourize. There's nothing I can say to express the anger I feel and I really hate myself this way. I hate what I am at the moment and that I could reach such a state. There's just no outlet for this hot balloon. I know I'm damned, but I'll be damned if I give a damn. I'm sick of rambling and I'm sick of grumbling and I'm so angry I can eat a horse. I'm so angry I can get into a boxing ring… I'm so angry I can throw a punch and I'm so angry that I can take a punch… not just one, an entire beating as well. I'll move and move and feel and feel till it's all out.. maybe one kick will push it all away.

If I were to act wise I would say I'm angry with someone or something, but the foolish man that I am, I'm honest enough to say that I'm greatly angry with myself. That poor idiotic self forced upon me to observe me and lead me and be a part of my existence. I'm angry at what I do and I'm angry at what I don't… there's just so much that humble words at times of extreme rage cannot express.

I say and say in the hope that all this horrible rage insides me is let out, that I can get some relief out of writing all this, but the words come out of my head and they don't come out of my stomach as they should. The burning coals are not exhaled with words that want to represent them.

I've realized that one should always judge others by his standards rather than theirs. He'll never know enough about their standards to judge in their absence. I don't know what I'm saying this, but somehow it seems relevant to what I'm feeling. It's also a shame that one judges himself according to people's standard and not his. It's a shame that people judge themselves using both.

That dogmatic idiot inside me is such a villain. I have no idea what he has to do with anything, but he's a stupid bastard and I'm probably bringing him in because I'm angry at him too. Is there anything I'm not angry about at this moment?? Only the things that I cannot think of.. they're safe from my anger.. safe from my irrationality and my ….

I feel like smashing something, not that the hurting of objects would relieve these coals inside… but that's what I feel like doing. I feel like smashing the notebook… I feel like smashing the guitar .. I feel like playing an ugly loud solo and just breaking the guitar on the amplifier.

I feel that if I were to listen to music on large speakers I would want to smash the speakers.. but I'd probably smash my head too.. I feel that if I actually do one of these things now I'll probably feel okay.. but what am I doing.. I'm just writing and writing, more self control.. I want to explode and I'm just imploding more and more..

Who is this beast that's speaking, someone rather boring, I wouldn't read any of what I wrote just now!!! Stupid Stupid!!!

Stupid is a word I know can hurt, and that's why I call myself stupid!!! I call myself stupid in every part to hurt myself in every part. I've said so much but it's not enough, not for someone who is reading, but someone who is writing…

What more is there to say… I'll pound the gas and take a hard turn, it's mad beyond belief. It's a crazy life that offers me nothing but discontent. It's a life that gives me a way to play a losing game, because someone has to play and someone has to lose. It's near predetermined. I'm totally losing my mind.. I wondered what it's like to go insane, but I don't think I wonder anymore!!


Deeeeeee said...

That's a lot of anger you got there! Take it easy, nerve cells are the only non-renewable cells in the human body! Anyway, I hope you feel better soon, and btw you're probably not stupid either!

Anonymous said...

This is the first post you've written that is entirely emotion.

It's funny that you chose anger. Anger is the safest emotion, it's much less vulnerable than the rest.

I do that a lot too and I understand.

You should be careful though, anger takes up the most energy. You really will burn out inside, and you don't deserve that, so stop convincing yourself that you do

Ehab Abdelmawla said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ehab Abdelmawla said...

Wille, sometimes I feel like I know you. and most of the time, I don't know who you are. Through you articles, I feel you are talking about some one else. I don't understand and I don't know if that person I know is wille, or the one I met is you.You got me confused because I always thought I am good at judging people.

Wael Eskandar said...

ehab, I'm not sure how either of them differ, but I get the impression that you like one and dislike the other.

Ehab Abdelmawla said...

Wille, it is not that I like one and dislike the other. Honestly, I respect you so much and you are one of those people that I feel lucky that I met. The thing is you are so clever and I really feel that you have two minds inside your brain! You will be superior person if those minds get aligned with each other rather than keep fighting…!

Nora said...

ok.. ok...

Hint taken:
I will stop sending those pics of you to everyone!

This is a bit extreme, all you had to do was ask!


Seriously, hope you're feeling better...