Friday, December 21, 2007

The Outsider

Yet again I am reminded of how much I don't belong and even more when amidst a crowd. I recognize that it's not the drinking or the loud music that gives me that same feeling of alienation every time I'm somewhere loud with dancing and drinking; it's seeing others having fun. I'm so aware of myself looking upon the scene as if I wasn't there and it's right that I should, I don't belong there.

My alienation most of my life has caused me to put up defensive measures, I knew I could not belong very early on in life and I shielded my desire to belong with a façade. I built a shield perhaps about how I feel in general and it seems that I've perfected my defenses that people cannot see a thing past them.

I've been told recently that I was someone who was not moved by others and that I didn't care much for others. While I actually do care very little for strangers or people who are insignificant in my life, this doesn't extend to those close to me for whom I break all the rules. It seems that the deception has been complete that no one believes anymore that I can be moved. I've also been told that I'm a dispassionate person, I'm an outsider like the protagonist of the story by Camus. I can feel the estrangement from the world but I can't feel the same hopelessness and inertness.

In any case it seems that the person I am is unknown to most people other than me, and there's something good and bad about this. The truth is that the person inside is someone who doesn't belong and if that was all that people saw, they wouldn't look twice. It's not worth noticing that person inside with all the darkness and unexplained sadness although I'm sure that many others can relate to him. The person on the outside is immune to all this and gives off different vibes, he's the one that people can deal with.

My posts don't say very much about me, not when I read them, and yet people can guess all sorts of things about me when they read them and I'm not entirely sure if they're right, because with all that I hold back it seems that so much is missing. Maybe my reality is what people truly see and which I will discover within me later, maybe what I write says more about me than I think. I really don't know and even the person I've become is alien to people, they can't relate to me because they feel I can't feel. The truth is that I have to put a lid on all that I feel; all these feelings and thoughts, I have to keep them under control because expressing everything has hurt me a lot in the past.

I'm not sure whether everyone feels this way too or not, but I know that I haven't helped this feeling by taking my own route with most things. It's not that no one else agrees with me but my own path is motivated by me. I'm not trying to be different, but I just like to know where I am and how I got there. I'm too liberal for conservatives and I'm too conservative for liberals. I'm always out of place because I don't subscribe entirely to one thing. I do things but never feel that I'm part of the club.


Ehab A. said...

"with all the darkness and unexplained sadness ". Unexplained sadness that is exactly how I feel most of the time.I spend most of the time searching for valid reasons.for such feeling but with no avail. sometimes I relate it to present events ,but this doesn't seem to convince me much.So at the end I gave it up. And know you helped me by explaining , it is unexplained sadness.

zeroeffect said...

all of this is only a problem if you put it right in front of your eyes .. ignore it and find something to keep you busy

Will E. said...

zeroeffect, I keep it in the background on most days, and it works, but on some other days it just pops up, confronts me, and that wouldn't be a problem except that despite the fact that it doesn't happen that often, I have this inner feeling that this is who I truly am, and that the rest are the passing moments, not this one.

Jade said...

You know babe...
To me you come off as "Stiff". I am sorry - I do not mean to offend you dear... On the contrary, I very much enjoy reading for you... maybe it was because of that stupid misunderstanding we had back then... & the way you handled it afterwards - maybe it's because you are a realist - a very sharp expresser of facts... I dont know.

What is wrong with that? What is wrong with not belonging to one group? one definition? Why is this a problem? Why do you not feel yourself wonderful in many different ways - & on many different levels? Why must we be labeled "Conservative" or "Liberal"? Why cant we take what suits us & leave out the rest from both worlds?

Who are you Will? Why does this post sound so confused? When most of the time you really sound like you know what you want & who you are? Can you not accept that you are all that these people describe? Or is the problem in the fact that you dont believe that this/these are who you are? Or maybe dont want to be what is described?

An unexplained sadness... how beautiful is that description... Are you an outsider of your ownself & too afraid to look in? & thus you cant explain?

Forgive my intrusion - maybe it is unwelcomed - & in that case, you may just ignore it.

I wish you well...

Will E. said...

Jade, to answer your questions it would take an entire blog post perhaps, and to who I am, I suppose even more.

I don't mind how others view me actually, so I'm not offended by being viewed as Stiff.. cause it usually takes people some time before they get to know me and in my experience most (not all) people get a wrong first impression about me.

You're right though, I don't beat about the bush, I express things sharply and clearly and I'm a realist.. I like confrontations when things are ambigious and I don't mind losing along the way because i'd rather build foundations on rock. It's an investment, because after a while things fall down anyway if you're not clear enough and hold back.

Okay already I wrote a lot without having answered all.. even with someone who has learnt not to care much about people, i'm honest enough to see that some sort of belonging is a human need. I don't mind people viewing me in whatever way, I just marvel at how I've dealt with who I am.

As for being an outsider, I see myself very clearly inwardly and that's the problem. The only one I do belong to is myself, but there are things inside that you're built with.

Okay, maybe I'll write a post to answer questions.. but this is briefly an answer to some of your questions

Nora said...

I always feel like an outsider too. I am never fully a part of anything...

I just do not look at this as being a negative thing. I think that when you look at a group you can see a million faults.. being a mix of different things gives you the chance of picking the good of each group.

I also think that your posts only show a part of you. But it is still you... and it is very apparent when talking to you. You are not only your blog.. there is more to you than this blog. There is more to your thoughts than what you write. This is not something negative.